SAM I Am

...not really.  

Alright, maybe sometimes.  But truly only when things seem playful and light enough for it to be okay. 

Don't get me wrong, I know it's not okay and I expect to be punished, but sometimes that's just what I want and I push back to get what I want.

He knows this.  He sees right through me.

There are times, though, that I am mouthy and don't mean to be.  Like when I'm nervous or frustrated.  That happened last weekend and I thought for sure I was done. 

Maybe he took pity on me, knowing I was anxious and slightly frightened - this was our first in-person play, after all.

Or maybe he is waiting and biding his time...

"And my knees fucking hurt (yes, I'm complaining)..."  This was part of my Twitter post today. 

Mouthy. 

Insubordinate.

Punishable.

But again, I'm frustrated and scared. 

I'm still frustrated about last night even though I shouldn't be.

I'm frustrated that I really liked our play last weekend and the horizon seems empty for me.  The level of trust I have in ecD is no small thing and I can't imagine how long it would take to find and build that somewhere more local.  And to be perfectly honest, I don't want it from anyone else - at the moment. 

I'm scared that there are no promises that we will share that play again.  Time passes, life happens, and things change.

So, SAM I might be, but it's a scared & frustrated SAM.